I'm writing in reflective thought to my neighbor who called me today to vent and cry a little on my shoulders. The battle between husband and wife and man and woman rages on...

The reality of any relationship is hard once the honeymoon and nesting period is over. We have to get back to the physics of a job, a house, children, friends and family that influence so many lives. The odds of anyone making it past ten years these days are quite extraordinary, but...

I've heard the same complaints that I've heard from other wives, girlfriends or significant others and partners; "he constantly complains about me", they would say. "No matter what I do it just isn't good enough anymore." "What am I doing wrong?" He says, "I haven't had a clean home in twenty years, my job fell apart and money is tight and he still expects me to carry the load." "He's constantly bitching about my weight, etc., etc., etc..."

Well? All I can say is this; maybe it's not what you're doing wrong but what he might be doing wrong, or not feeling about the relationship. His complaints are a symptom that he's not a happy camper more than likely with himself.

Maybe he's just fallen out of love, or the marriage has winded down because one or the other has lost interest in the things you used to do together; boredom can be crippling in any relationship. Or maybe since the only thing that's held you together were the children, drugs or alcohol, and now one of you or both have changed and the children flew the coop. What about the challenges that brought you closer together as a couple and then once accomplished there was nothing left to do? There's no more spark that you had in the very beginning, or it could be that there's just so much water under the bridge that the foundation has crumbled beyond repair and there's nothing left in the love nest that you once shared. And finally God forbid, he might be having an affair...

Husbands who complain do not help the relationship by constantly tearing down the women they once spoke of honoring and cherishing at the wedding alter with critical remarks attacking their beloved. To anyone's self esteem this is devastating. What ever happened to uplifting ones mate? Speaking kindly of them in public even though there were times when you could just rip their head off? We all have them, the negatives. No one is perfect, not even the girl or guy you might be sneaking around with behind your spouses back.

Yeah, it might be exciting, but is it really? Yeah, the sex might be fantastic, but for how long before it too wanes and before reality sets in and one realizes the mistake they've made. Sometimes the grass isn't always greener because now you've created not only chaos within your own home but expectation of the other, expectation of you leaving your family to be with them. Another relationship created out of pressure, lying, deceit and dishonesty for both parties. How can you really begin anew with all of that?

Marriage is work - hard work, and just like any job you get out of it what you put into it. If you put in lies and deceit, cheating and criticism then what are you asking for in return? How can you expect to be the knight in shining armor when there's tarnish on the metal?

Chivalry and honor, some men talk a good game about respect and love, but the proof is in how honorable one is towards their mate, doing right by them, supporting them, loving them, communicating with them.

Ahhh! Communication the lost art of Love...remember when first meeting how you couldn't get enough of speaking to each other? How every minute of the day your thoughts were focused on the significant other and you couldn't wait to get on the phone to talk for hours and hours of the sweet things you'd whisper into each others ears or the raunchy talk of sex. Well now it's the computer, and for a few of those that still knows how to write a card or letter occasionally. Think about how you are communicating with your wife...

Body Language, do you show her your attentions by trying to get her into the sack every minute? Do you wonder why she just isn't that into you physically? Why should she be when all you ever do is remind her of your love through sex? Whatever happened to turning on her mind? Learn how to flirt with her, she just might respond unexpectedly. My Grandfather told me that "a woman's mind is the way to her heart" and when you learn to unlock that key, then maybe - just maybe, you'll open Pandora's box and have the most mind blowing *bleep* you've ever had. Of course this takes time, not the five minutes you're expecting on your time table bed of love. Be kind, be loving, be patient...

Criticisms, now if you're really expecting to be paid some attention by constantly nagging her about everything, then you'll get the reciprocal bitching in return. No one likes to be criticized unless you're an expert at constructive criticism. Don't expect her to do everything, to be everything and to like everything that you do. You fell in love with her because of her differences and unique qualities. Let them shine and encourage them as she would for you. Have you ever thought about helping her with the household chores once in a while instead of watching that football game? Really think about what it takes to run a home. You live there too and she did not marry you to become your personal servant or your mother. Showing her a little courtesy and appreciation for all of the hard work she does I promise you, it will go a long way to making a happier home.

Okay, where is it written in stone that the wife has to have two or three fulltime jobs? Men seem to forget that even though their beloved may have that dream career and is helping to accomplish all that you both have set out to do, she is still doing far more than you think.

Here's the rundown: dishes, laundry, folding, putting away, changing sheets, cleaning toilets, tubs and sinks, sweeping, mopping and vacuuming floors, cleaning windows, feeding animals (if you have pets), cleaning out the fridge, stove and microwave of all the leftovers and the gunk inside, dusting and/or waxing the furniture, yes-even changing a light bulb, running errands, grocery shopping, bringing it home and then putting it up in the cupboards, cooking - sometimes breakfast, lunch and dinner along with the dishes and putting everything into place. Oh my goodness! Let's not forget if there are children!

Whew! I'm sure there is much, much more that I've forgotten to list here, but running a house is one job, having children to raise is another and adding a career on top of this, is the third job. Now add a husband that only has to worry about working 40 hours a week and complain about how hard he works to only come home sit down and watch TV and be served his dinner can be a little overwhelming for your once beautiful bride and then you wonder why she's tired all of the time? Of course, that only qualifies if you don't already have a slob you're married to.

Okay, now the weight! Do not ever torture her about her weight issues! Women are well aware of their faults in this area and the media with their perfection propaganda sure don't help. Forget that after 10-15-20-25 years of marriage that you're going to have a Barbie sized model in your bed and stop trying to look for one to replace her. Women are human beings, not plastic airbrushed dolls of perfection unless you can afford to buy her the best plastic surgeon in the business. As Maxine the cartoon says, "any woman can have the body of a 21 year old as long as she buys him a few drinks first."

If she can have a dozen of your offspring and still look like the day she married you, fine. However, are you still the perfect hard-bodied muscle-head that she married? Of course not...so stop complaining. You might as well shoot yourself in the crotch when you do.

Men who will take the time to tell their wives how much they love their bodies will probably be in the sack a lot more then those who don't. So what if she has a pudgy tummy or her hips are a little wider and her boobs may be a little droopy, close your eyes if you must and use your sense of touch. You'd be surprised how well a woman will respond in your hands with lots of sensual touching. Besides, that's just more to explore and love and someone else might just love it that way. Have you taken a good look in the mirror lately? Do you have a beer gut, are you losing a little hair on top; is your butt not as tight like the football jock that you once were? Get the point?

The best thing a husband can do for his wife is tell her how beautiful she is, even when she's just crawled out of bed. This is a must do several times a week. Tell her she has beautiful eyes, or hair or soft skin. Tell her when she's all dolled up how happy you are to have her as your own and what a lucky man you are. Tell her that even when she isn't all dolled up! Reassure her that you still have that gleam in your eye and you are proud of being her husband...after all, you chose to marry her. Build her up, don't tear her down.

I know this may sound a little funny, but you don't have to buy the whole farm just to get the cow. All it takes is a little attention, caring and nurturing to get someone to love you back in the manner of which you'd like to be loved. So instead spending all of that energy in breaking away to find someone else and begin anew with all of your bad habits, try to create new habits that caused you both to fall in love in the first place. It takes work, but no more then the work it took to fall out of love.

Disclaimer: This personal reflective summary is not intended to solicit or give advice for interpersonal martial relationship problems, so please don't ask. If you have a personal problem that involves the use of alcohol, drugs or violent abuse issues, please see a therapist, counselor or the police department for these specific concerns. They are more apt to be equipped with the proper agencies to help you.